This morning I was journaling about you, the members of my tribe and clients who invest in my programs and products, and I realized that you, like me, never felt you quite fit in.
I remember how excited I was as a kid for every holiday. As Thanksgiving or Easter approached, I was practically bouncing in my seat, ready to see my cousins and aunts and uncles and my Grammy. I’d build it up in my head. So excited to see them. As an adult, I can’t remember what exactly I thought would happen, but it was like knowing you were going to win the lottery. And then… at some point during the day, I would inevitably experience the crash you feel when the lotto numbers are called and you fuckin’ lost.
Growing up, that sense of emptiness like I’d lost something big was actually pretty persistent.
It didn't matter WHERE I was... that emptiness followed.
How can I describe the craving I felt for kinship, for community, for BELONGING?
I generally had the sense that I was like nobody else around. No one GOT me. And though I tried, I didn't really GET them either.
As a teenager, my only hope was that I'd someday find a guy who did get me. I prayed that my soulmate would come along, and fast. Bring him swiftly to me!? Could that be arranged? Yeah, I prayed.
I spent time in visualization, though I wasn't aware that this was a creative method that would actually bring him to me... I pictured, as my mother drove us somewhere and we sang along to cheesy '80s music, that I'd someday be driving alongside my soulmate, the two of us singing the same songs I was now singing. I imagined taking my future beau to family gatherings. Imagined him having discussions with my male cousins about sports. I imagined the wholeness I would feel when standing by his side.
And I dare argue I found my soulmate early in life. I was a month from 19 when I saw a guy had checked out my OKCupid profile, and I messaged him. That night we went on our first date. It's been almost 7 years since that night.
I found a man who I have lovingly described as the safe place from which I've been able to blossom. I've grown more outgoing, more assertive, more confident and in so many other ways than I can describe. But I only grew so much because I knew he saw me. Saw me the way I saw me. Saw me the way NO ONE ELSE EVER HAD.
But even my path to him taught me that there are near-fits and perfect fits, and you should definitely hold out for the perfect fit.
Before Chris came a few other guys but one in particular comes to mind. He is a great guy, and I really hope he found his perfect fit, but we weren't it. And yet... Spending the weekend at his house, hanging out with his mom was the first time in a while I'd felt at home. His mom was a real person. She wore her flaws on her sleeve but she was loving and kind. She didn't ask for me to be any different than who I was, although I did in a sense pretend to be a different version of Rosella with that boyfriend...
That relationship taught me that I could feel that homey feeling again but I could also hold out for someone who didn't want me to change...
Here's a really specific example: That boyfriend told me I'd have to learn how to drive if we were going to stay together. The truth is, I had one lesson behind the wheel of a Buick Rainier at 16 years old and that was enough for me. To this day, I have no desire to learn. Chris has never forced the issue.
You deserve to be YOU. Any change you're going to make should be a change you want to make. Those around you -- and I mean everyone -- should be happy to support you in building your life the way you want and let go of their notions of what your life is supposed to look like.
If they don't? Call them in.
That's what I was doing this morning when I realized that you, my soulmate tribe and clients, have felt ill at ease before, like the emptiness of losing something because you haven't yet created a home for yourself. I was calling YOU in.
You can also take action to remove the clutter and toxicity from your life that prevent your soulmates from coming to you.
Here's the most potent example I can give you of this...
Most of that very same family I used to be ecstatic about seeing each Easter (and on every other major holiday) are people I no longer talk to. My parents' ugly divorce really forced the issue... And I decided to say "ta-ta for now" to my maternal family.
There was anger on their side that I refused to exile my father. And I was pissed as hell that they were trying to make me pick sides. Right before my college graduation I allowed my mother to effectively disown me...
This left a void. I had no idea how I would spend my holidays now. I decided I would never go back until I am apologized to, and that still hasn't happened almost four years later.
I missed the big family gatherings, though. I missed being surrounded by lots of people, and I craved, even if I didn't realize it at the time, finding a family that would love me unconditionally.
So the last I saw my mother and her family was Easter Sunday in 2013.
By Thanksgiving 2013, I was invited with my father to spend holidays with a family we'd known for years. These beautiful people are who I'll be spending Easter with this year.
Clearing space for the people who will LOVE you as you are while empowering you to grow may be painful at the start but it is, I promise, rewarding as fuck.
So, before or after your family gathering, take some time today to envision (with or without putting pen to paper: your choice) the soulmates you're making space for, whether they're just fans of your work, paying clients, a lover, or a "new" family that gets you.
I'm focused today, as everyday, on being grateful for those who love me and get me whether they've already arrived in my life or are on their way.
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