I'm Disgusted With Myself
I KNOW I wrote about this not too long ago...
So many online creators and business people talk about the things that annoy them. Whatshisface... Gary Vee talks about the wannabe entrepreneurs who are flashing cash from Daddy or cars bought by Daddy or whatever. There are other examples that I can't think of specifically...
But I struggle with allowing myself to write about my pet peeves... Though I did start drafting a post today on my iPhone while waiting for the subway about a very, really annoying excuse that so many people make... I'll share that another time I'm sure.
Right now? My biggest annoyance? It's ME.
I have these moments every now and then... And I think the most successful entrepreneurs I want to consider colleagues probably have these moments too... Moments when I REALLY FUCKING HATE ME AND MY EXCUSES AND KNOW THAT I KEEP MYSELF STUCK AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I CAN'T FUCKING DO THE WORK I KNOW I SHOULD DO.
I was triggered the other day when someone younger than me with more success in her business was posting about something her stylist picked out for her.
And then I realized that another coach, two years after starting her current business, is looking at homes worth $4 million.
Another got 18 applications for a program of hers.
These are all amazing things and there's a part of me that is REALLY FUCKING HAPPY for these women. And I even have a small voice in my head that looks at these things and says, "That's just proof that YOU can have that too." And that's a dramatic mindset improvement from days when that would have sent me into a tailspin of dread and drama and victimhood.
Now I completely OWN that the fact that those women have those things and I don't yet is because of ME. I'm the only thing/person/whatever stopping me from having these things and other things I desire.
I'm incredibly grateful for their ability to allow in success and to share it with the rest of us, because I definitely learn from it.
But like, FUCK ME. Tonight, I'm very passionately tired/pissed off with myself and my "inability" to have the stuff I want.
I think I know somewhere inside of me how to get out of this. And I think this is actually all turning up because of the great work I did with my coach yesterday. (We tapped on my addictions to horror movies and candy -- placebos for the excitement and emotions I desire.)
So, I'm kind of happy I'm pissed off at myself.
I'm asking myself now, after typing that last sentence: REALLY????
There's SO MUCH I need to get in place for me to make the money I want, see the impact I want to have, and feel like I'm the powerful business woman I have been *trying* to step into.
Why don't I have my autoresponders/funnels set up?
Why am I not consistently emailing my list?
Why am I not doing emails?
Why am I not selling more?
There's probably other shit I "should" have done already to put things in place and welcome in the money.
I'm also exhausted with my own mindset blocks bullshit.
Like... Tired of making the excuse that I don't have the money for the tools I want or the training I need. Tired of spending my days on the jobs/gigs that were supposed to help me get ahead but are just keep me fucking behind because I'm not spending all the time I possibly could on creating and selling and BEING the leader and teacher and writer I've always been.
And that's it, man. Like, I'm all those things inside. And I haven't been expressing all of that. I've been cowering from it all.
Maybe I'm actually scared of how much power I have and don't want to face that.
This feels simultaneously like a truth I've long known and like total news to me.
I even broke away from writing this for 30 minutes because I couldn't deal with it. It being the realization and/or my power. I'm not really sure at this stage...
Here's what I'm going to do about it: Use this as fuel. When I feel aggravated with myself, I let that motivation do its thing and I take massive action toward my dreams and goals.
Have you ever felt this kind of motivational self-loathing?