How I Almost Killed Myself With A Belief Backed By Deep Emotion
A sour burp.
Persistent, dull ache inside my skull.
A grumble from my stomach.
I needed to eat.
Noodles, sloppy joe sauce, that salmon cut in the freezer that should’ve been thrown out months ago, packets of oatmeal that officially expired two years ago, cans of tuna...
These were the assorted contents of my fridge and cabinets. None of them appealed. Some were straight-up disgusting to consider.
I probably wouldn’t have much if anything to eat until the deposit cleared in 48 hours.
Fucking weekend. Bank hours. Screwed.
And goddam I knew this was going to happen.
It’s never easy. Nothing is ever easy or goes right for me.
YOU CAN’T THINK GOOD THOUGHTS WHEN YOU ARE BURPING FUMES FROM AN EMPTY STOMACH. This I know is true.
This is a snapshot of one of the darkest moments I experienced this winter. I asked for all the learning about mindset I could handle and it has come at me hard and fast in the last six months or so.
I knew that mindset is critical to our success, and that this is something I’m passionate enough to talk about and help clients with, but I felt I needed deeper awareness of my own blocks and how to get past them. This isn’t new work for me, but it has been more intense than ever.
And I’m filled with gratitude for it now that my stomach isn’t doing the hunger burps.
So a few months ago, I was waiting for a client to pay their monthly retainer. It wouldn’t clear in my bank account on a Saturday, so I had a very bleak weekend. I spent two days in bed, sleeping 16+ hours each day because I was just so hungry and couldn’t bring myself to eat the nutritional (and not-so-nutritional) odds and ends in my apartment.
Somehow we (my boyfriend and I) managed to get something semi-bearable to eat each day, but mostly I was just fucking STARVING.
And I was! I mean, this is true feast and famine shit I have experienced.
Why was I here?
I thought I knew but it wouldn’t come to me until a session later with my coach. My coach was the one to point out that I have said many times to her, “I would rather die than have a J-O-B.”
I had said it so many times, and believed it with such depth of emotion, that I had effectively risked my very LIFE. Jen, my coach, pointed out that the two things you need to just survive are food and shelter, and I found myself almost evicted in December and struggling to eat. She basically mentioned this observation and how it had come together for her.
I was FLOORED. She was right! So right!
It was a concept that had floated past me before, and after our call, I looked it up. I had read about it in Think And Grow Rich. This is the passage:
"The pages of medical history are rich with illustrations of cases of 'suggestive suicide.' A man may commit suicide through negative suggestion, just as effectively as by any other means. In a midwestern city, a man by the name of Joseph Grant, a bank official, 'borrowed' a large sum of the bank's money, without the consent of the directors. He lost the money through gambling. One afternoon, the Bank Examiner came and began to check the accounts. Grant left the bank, took a room in a local hotel, and when they found him, three days later, he was lying in bed, wailing and moaning, repeating over and over these words, 'My God, this will kill me! I cannot stand the disgrace.' In a short time he was dead. The doctors pronounced the case one of 'mental suicide.'
"Just as electricity will turn the wheels of industry, and render useful service if used constructively; or snuff out life if wrongly used, so will the law of auto-suggestion lead you to peace and prosperity. or down into the valley of misery, failure, and death, according to your degree of understanding and application of it."
I had to save myself from my own mental suicide. The first step to changing a detrimental belief or thought pattern is recognizing what you’re DOING TO YOURSELF. You must take responsibility, and then you can forgive yourself.
One of the other things I learned from this? Stop saying, “I would die,” about ANYTHING. Instead, say, “I WOULD LIVE!!”
I am doing whatever I need to do right now, but I am aware I need to raise my standards. Yet, I’ve learned there is a wrong way to set standards for yourself. Don’t attach punishments for yourself to the things you don’t want.
COMMENT BELOW: What did reading this bring up for you?
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