When You Randomly Seek My Help at 1:30 A.M.
It was an interesting night. I fell asleep after coming home from my sis’ birthday dinner. Three glasses of wine and two slices of chocolate cake and my head hurt. I woke up at 1:30 a.m. feeling the same as when I fell asleep. A shower revived me and I lay in bed watching a training on the 5th dimension. (Tripppy stuff.)
Then, around 3 a.m., I felt aligned to respond to a plea I’d received around the time I woke from my sleep. The message came from a woman whom I had offered a free tarot card reading to a few weeks ago. Earlier this week, she’d randomly pitched me Amanda Frances’ money course, for which she’d become an affiliate for. During that conversation, she told me she’d manifested some money since arriving in Canada, and that she believed so deeply in the work. (Now, I’ve not taken Amanda’s Money Mentality Makeover course but I know, generally, about the work that Amanda teaches, and there’s synergy between what she teaches and what I believe/teach.)
So she reached out to me at 1:30 a.m. on a Monday morning asking for upliftment from a relative stranger and a coach whose clients pay for support.
I maybe shouldn’t have responded to this woman, but my love-to-help-people streak got the better of me.
I’m sharing here the full exchange, for better or worse, because (a) I learned so much from participating in this, (b) I don’t want to ‘hide’ anything from the way I responded, and (c) this will help you to know if I’m someone you relate to and whose work you see value in.
Her: Hey love. I’ve had a really rough week. Would appreciate any encouragement... been feeling pretty worthless. 😞💔
Me: Hey. May I ask why you came to me for uplift? Feeling worthless might be a good thing for now. That feeling gets to float away and be transmuted when the time is right and as you’re feeling it, you’ve launched the rocket of desire to feel worthy. Also, I think there may have been “something in the air.” I struggled last week with feelings of meaninglessness. Like, what does it all mean? And also are you sure that what you’ve been feeling is worthlessness? Check in there again.
Her: I’m not sure why honestly ha
Her: Why I came to you I mean
Her: You just seem like a loving person I guess idk
Her: I was treated really really really badly this week by 2 ppl I really cared about this week who I thought loved me
Her: So that’s where the worthlessness came from
Her: But yea
Me: I appreciate that! I know that asking for help can be a weird thing for some people and so I think it’s really cool when someone asks for help and to subsequently bring awareness to who the person reached out to.
Me: What happened?
Her: I was extremely hurt by a friend this week
Her: Who meant a lot to me
Her: And i’m really confused why she did it bc I thought I also meant a lot to her and she always told me I did
Me: Why are you holding back from telling me the full story? (Honest Q.)
Her: I’m not sure guess just didn’t want to overwhelm you, it’s also really humiliating & embarrassing for me.. but sure I’ll tell you the full story
Her: I came to Canada from LA to surprise her for her baby shower
Her: And I came with a one way ticket bc I was gifted frequent flyer miles that only covered a one way, and I guess when I told them that they weren’t expecting it and had other plans this week that didn’t involve me being there, so anyway she and her mom just left me at a train station by myself in negative 30 degree weather, barely any winter clothes or anything, basically to figure out where I was gonna stay/how I was gonna get home on my own
Her: And I didn’t know a single soul in toronto
Her: So had to reach out to perfect strangers in different toronto fb groups for help
Her: And yea it’s a long story but that’s the gist
Her: I just feel like such a fool bc I went so far out of my way to make her baby shower special and to be there for her in this special time and that’s how I was treated in return
Her: With no care or concern for my safety of wellbeing or anything
Her: I just don’t understand it
Her: Everyone I’ve talked to has agreed they think maybe her parents were racist and didn’t want me staying at her house when she was going to be gone that week.. idk
Her: It just is really painful for me
Her: Not just the experience but losing someone I thought was my best friend
Her: We’ve known each other for 6 yrs; never even been in an argument
Her: So to be treated like that just made me feel like shit about myself
Me: Have you had a conversation with her or have you avoided her because of the hurt you feel?
Her: I don’t want to have a conversation with her after what she did
Her: She basically left me for dead in another country alone
Her: I don’t have anything to say to her
Her: Just want to get home
Her: Ready to leave it all in the past but i’m just still processing everything
Me: So you’ve talked to other people about this, but not her. The pain hasn’t changed has it? You get to tell her off. You have a fuckload to say to her. That’s clear. There are only reasons why you feel you’re costing her by not talking to her and you’re being stubborn. I get it. I’ve never been stranded somewhere physically but I’ve chosen to isolate myself from someone I felt cause me pain for a myriad of reasons.
Me: Also, what if this is meant to be part of your mythology? Your story of a rise to success involves finding yourself in Canada and having to figure out how to get home. I get you’re still in the part of the story so you can’t see it yet with the distance I can but I think this is an amazing thing and a gift that has happened to you for a reason. I also see that tough times challenge your belief that you can handle this. Your friend, for whatever else is true about her, sees you as CAPABLE of figuring this out and getting home. You think she doesn’t care (literally, your brain is telling you she doesn’t care if you die), but what if the thought you could be unsafe never crossed her mind because her belief in you is that strong? There will be major resistance to you agreeing with this right after I say it, but this reframe could change the story and help YOU step into your power again. You’re holding yourself apart from your power. I feel that separation. My desire is that these words settle into your mind and hit you soon even if at first you hate me a little. ❤️
Her: I don’t believe if she was a true friend she would put my safety at risk. That’s not love, that’s not friendship.
Her: Black women apparently go missing all the time in Toronto, I didn’t even know that until the other day. Maybe for white people it’s easy to assume that, but that’s not the reality for many people. Plus, aside from that, I should never have been put in that situation to begin with. It was fucked up in every way. Period. There was no good reason or excuse for putting me on the street. What kind of twisted person does that?
Me: Your feelings are valid
Me: I keep hearing that you get to apply the principles of Amanda’s money course to your beliefs about friendship
Her: She's not a friend
Me: But you thought she was
Me: Before this happened
Her: Yea I was wrong
Her: Actions speak louder than words
Me: You’re angry, I get it. You’re in a situation no one would consciously choose. You asked me for encouragement and maybe I didn’t deliver exactly what you hoped. It feels true to me that your situation can’t improve until your thoughts and emotions shift. To help you get there, I offered a different perspective on things which seemed to lead to more anger and committing to a view you’ve taken of everything that has happened. I don’t know that I have more to offer.
Her: The fact that you would justify what she did in any way made me feel very unsafe and violated and not want to talk with you anymore. This is something I recognized with the LOA community that scares and disgusts me. The victim blaming/shaming and twisting horrific events into a positive.
Her: I understand there is a higher purpose of everything but there is also an emotionally intelligent way of supporting someone going through something traumatic that doesn’t include justifying why they’re experience was ok or trying to make them see it in a positive light.
Her: I have felt suicidal all week because of this and you’re trying to tell me that what she did was somehow ok and that she deserves for me to hear her out? I could have died, been raped, kidnapped, who knows what else... I’m not sure what delusional reality y’all white people live in but being kicked out on the streets by yourself as a WOC in another (99.99% white) country isn’t a luxury to learn how to be stronger, it’s called a death sentence.
Her: You trying to make it into anything else is disgusting.
----> At this point she blocked me <----
OK, so when she finally blocked me, I felt myself boiling. I was so annoyed. *YOU came at me looking for WHAT, a pep talk? I took time out of MY life to help you the best way I knew how. I even gave you an opening to tell me what you wanted from me. You didn’t! So I trusted my gut. You’d had an intuitive tarot card reading from me so you knew I say what I see, hear, feel you’re meant to hear even when it makes no sense to either of us. I gave you that again tonight, and now you’re mad?!*
Oof, it was intense for a minute. I raged. Punched my pillow. I got to acknowledge and release my desire to appreciation of my support. I got to acknowledge and release that I deeply cared about helping her. I got to honor that I KNEW as I was typing to her that she was probably not open yet to the support I was offering, the different perspective I offered.
I typed up a couple of notes on my iPhone’s notepad. (I expect a full post about safety will be birthed soon. I have so many insights and beliefs around it that I know are valuable and want to share with you. Actually, that I’m scared to share with you but I’m planting the seeds now by letting you know it’s coming.)
And, because I am committed to reframing things, thinking/seeing differently, and choosing the empowered version of events always… I felt the shift around this. I no longer was angry. I no longer resented or resisted that this woman walked away from me thinking I’m a villain, thinking that 3 people let her down this week.
I can’t change how she sees me after that exchange. And I actually deeply believe that when she’s back home and restored her full access to infinite intelligence, she’ll realize that what I shared with her was helpful. She may never want to admit it -- that depends on how stubborn she’s willing to be at the cost of greater awareness -- and that’s not on me. It’s not my job to make sure she gets it right this minute -- or ever -- but it IS my job to deliver the content that can create deep paradigm shifts.
Letting go of my need to control her lightbulb moment totally brought me back into my power.
That was when I realized how much gold this conversation could offer me.
This conversation gave me clarity on the following:
- It’s ALWAYS my choice to provide support to you, whether you’re paying me or not, and if I’m going to offer support/help/assistance/feedback, I will ONLY offer what I believe you need. This may not match with what you want from me, and that just has to be OK with me.
- When a person says they’ve been feeling worthless, I get to check if they are feeling suicidal. Honestly, if I’d sensed that she was feeling suicidal I would’ve told her at the outset that I couldn’t help her. (I also felt in the end that this was something where she is not communicating her needs and desires -- not with her ‘friend’ whose baby shower she was attending, nor with me, and probably not with anyone else either.)
- Clearly communicating your expectations of another person can help them to decide if they’re capable of meeting your expectations and of telling you no, preventing greater heartache down the road. Be willing to tell people what you need whether or not you’re asked.
- I’m only available to work with and provide support to people who are willing to see EVERYTHING differently and to see DEEP meaning in the seemingly small or ‘nothing’ things.
- My soulmate clients know that upliftment is an inside job. Assurances from me are fleeting when they are not supported by a deep inner knowing in YOU that you are the shit. Knowing how to bring yourself back to well-being, no matter what is going on outside of you, is the ultimate safety net. I can help you learn it, but you must be available to always take responsibility for what’s happening in your life in order to learn this.
- If and when my clients come to me and want to play victim, they acknowledge it. “I’m totally not ready to take responsibility for this yet. Can I just whine a bit?” That’s how you can come to me in that place. I won’t let it go on forever, but you can get it out of your system so we can do the real work. This what I’m available for.
- I choose to speak to every person as though they are capable of taking responsibility for the situation she found herself in. If someone is not available to take responsibility for their own thoughts, actions, and emotional responses, then I’m not someone with whom they will feel safe.
- People are never actually *just* a 2D villain, though the Universe (and other people in it) may need us to play that role. There will be people who hate you, even if for only a short time, and think you’re the WORST HUMAN BEING EVER. That gets to be OK. I’m super grateful when I get to coach someone or otherwise improve another life, and honor that I play that role through the mysterious ;) workings of the Universe. That means I also get to honor when the Universe needs me to be the bad guy. I’ve had this happy-to-be-the-bad-guy realization a few times over the last 6 months. I know there’s something really deeply powerful here.
- When you’re coming to me for help, whether or not you’re paying for my support, you’d better be vulnerable with me. I share the rawest parts of myself regularly, and I expect that people show up to me with a similar rawness. That’s the way to move beyond pain and suffering as far as I’m concerned.
- I do NOT believe that victim blaming/shaming is a problem. The problem comes when someone refuses to take responsibility for their own actions and their emotional responses to others’ actions toward them. My soulmate client would never talk about victim blaming/shaming because it’s just not a concern for her, it’s not a real thing for her.
ULTIMATELY I’ve been so successful that adopting the belief that ‘Everything happens for me not to me’ that even in a situation like this, I know I manifested it to learn more about my boundaries and to get clearer than ever on who my ideal client is. I’m also grateful for this further opportunity to share who I am, what I stand for and to risk pissing off other people. I love facing the fear of pissing people off.