Is This Desire and the Belief Behind It Useful?
I desire recognition of how smart I am.
*Journaling comin' in clutch with the realizations.*
There was a bit of shock and disgust when this came out of me and onto the page last night. WTF?!?!
I almost didn't write the words, because "that can't be a good thing."
But it'd occurred to me, so I put it on the paper.
Then again, "Yes, I want people to recognize the smarts in me."
Checking in with that good old question of WHY? I found that...
smart = good
That was the truth in my family.
Smart people had superior thoughts/ways of thinking. Or maybe even they thought--period--and idiots didn't.
I got to check in. Do this desire and the conditioning it's rooted in serve me?
Here's what I found: It's actually *not* a bad thing, this desire.
I've released the tendency created in that conditioning to think I'm above others or superior to them because of my intelligence, so I'm not judging others as *not* intelligent or as less than me in any way...
Additionally, I'm conscious that many times, as I write or livestream, the intelligence that is 'captured' in my use of words, written or spoken, is not a forced expression of book smarts. My relationship to intelligence and where I understand it comes from has shifted so radically.
I simply channel intelligence from beyond my physical brain and I can enjoy receiving praise for it. It certainly comes THROUGH me so it has my stamp on it...
And here's the MOST IMPORTANT PART...
I do not feel unwell unless/until someone praises me.
I experience well-being more often than not, and it comes from within.
It's not that I am *unwell* if I don't get that recognition of my smarts or intelligence.
So the desire is useful: it creates joy when it is manifested, and there is no pain or struggle before its manifestation.
Thus, I own it. Yes, I deeply enjoy praise and celebration of my way of thinking, the content I'm communicating, the art I'm creating.