Fly That Freak Flag!!! Even If It's At Half Staff
When I was in high school I felt so DIFFERENT from everyone. A total freak.
But maybe... I'm just a bit... freakISH. Like, not complete freak. Just a bit 'a' one.
Or perhaps I've just learned, been conditioned, been washed, to the point where I'm flying that freak flag at half staff, losing my damn nerve.
I have felt in some ways lately a bit too regular for my taste. Boring. Bored AND boring.
I think I always knew that there is the ability in me to settle, to become 'like the rest,' and stuck in a day job.
For the last four months, I've spent a lot of time working in the leasing office of the company we rent our apartment from. I set my own hours around other priorities and so I felt in control enough that it was palatable. And I came to really enjoy the company of the people who work there. I actually felt a little bit of sadness as they all hugged me goodbye on Friday...
And I was supposed to start a part-time job today with a company I've been doing social media for over the last two years.
I was surprised by how excited I felt when the co-founder of the company wanted to discuss an official offer letter.
It came up and I saw it as a great opportunity to further grow my skills and my reputation while making a difference helping the company grow its digital platform that connects healthcare providers with clients between appointments.
But, like, holy shit.
Me, a working stiff? That's my worst nightmare really.
Well, I haven't officially started with this company yet, and I'm feeling existentially uprooted.
Part of me fears that I'm on the precipice of a fall toward normalcy.
I was at a friend's 30th birthday party on Friday night and when people there asked me how I'd been, I gave some line about how much I'd been working. Not a real goddamn answer, which might have been "Excited because I'm really embracing writing again, and also excited for the success story I'm writing by living my life, and also a little scared about becoming too much like y'all."
I'm literally cringing right now, my face contorting as I imagine how the "normal" people I love would take my writing this...
Right now, my truth is that I'm mostly freaked out...
Every time I feel like I've got a firm hold on a *thread* of my identity, a big snag happens and another thread falls out of place.
On some level, I must find this exciting. Surely there are people out there who KNOW, without a doubt, who they are, and that never ever changes and they're maybe not wildly happy but certainly content enough. I swing the full pendulum from wildly happy to terribly depressed. It's not a constant pinging back and forth between the two (or maybe Chris would say it is), but the movement between these and other emotions certainly happens and I lean into them.
This is part of the dialogue in my head about me vs. other people: They must be so bored. How sad that they don't create anything. I couldn't be the kind of person who lives for their weekend binge-drinking; how do their bodies take it? I need more and I'm actually crazy enough to believe it's possible to have more in my life.
But then I read the writing of the serious risk-taking, money-making entrepreneurs I admire and I wonder if I'm enough like them to actually have what they have.
And if I let myself, I can certainly spiral about that. But these are some of the people who talk about rule breaking and making it happen on your own terms. So what if I'm not exactly like them?
I'm writing my own success story. And there are freakISH people like me out there who need to see me doing it.
Sure, I could actually choose to live a normal life, I'd just be fucking miserable and probably some kind of an addict to make up for the miserable fucking depression that would breed in me.
I am freakish now, and I'll probably become more of a freak the more I achieve the material success I do deeply desire. I can lean into that. I AM leaning into that.
I don't even know if I've actually just said anything worth saying in this #truthletting session, but I hope it finds its people. Those of you freakish people who like me don't want normal.
You were born to be someone no one's ever been before, just like I was.
(And maybe you're even listening to the new Hanson song JUST LIKE ME.)