Thriving In The Hectic & Expressing To Expand
Is it possible that I am only at my best when things are hectic? When I'm pushed beyond my limits?
This isn't something I necessarily realized about myself until yesterday.
So yesterday I woke up without an alarm, and I had a couple of 'musts' in my head to spend my energy on. But I wasn't excited. I didn't think I had anything to say to the world. I didn't sit down and write first thing (like I'm doing right now). And I was awake for hours, feeling unable to do a damn thing, including feel better.
I believe it is always not only possible but my responsibility to choose how I feel. But I was out of it yesterday. And had felt out of it a couple of days previous. Yesterday I had a raging headache not solved by medicine, and I was bored as fuck, and pissed about whatever... And part of me was just like, I should go back to bed.
That felt like defeat; it felt like old Rosella. I didn't want to. Napping would eat up 3 hours and there was so much I wanted to get done.
But finally, I realized that with the coffee I made myself just sitting there -- like, I could.not bring myself to drink that coffee -- I really just needed to give in and take the fucking nap.
Of course I wrote a post about it for my Facebook profile (because I think it's important to share vulnerably my whole truth), before I actually took the nap. So I fell asleep for 3 hours.
And I woke up feeling better. Not 100%, but enough that I then felt actually capable of using my "vibration-raising tools," the activities that always make me feel better. These include listening to specific music, recording videos, doing livestreams, and writing like this.
So I recorded three videos and did a livestream outside in the natural light. Later I wrote a post called "These Are The Answers," which was totally crazy in a sense but also beautiful and powerful.
And at some point last night, I saw an Instagram post from someone about it being an equal part of 'the work' or whatever to lay back, rest and receive. I commented and shared that I was learning that lesson yesterday. The woman who posted it responded to my comment something about learning to rest when life gets "hectic."
I felt like, Wait, man. You're misunderstanding me. I THRIVE when life is "hectic." When there's more going on in my world than 'normal people' can handle. I want to shut down only when shit isn't hectic. It's like boredom sets in when there isn't too much to do. That's when I create stories in my head that take away my power.
When I was in college, I was taking 5 classes each semester, working a minimum 10 hours at a student work job, doing at least 1 virtual internship at a time, writing freelance (and getting paid), and running my own online magazine. All the while, I still had time for my relationship and to binge watch TV with my roommate. Like, I thrive when I have way more on my plate than most 'sane' people would give themselves. History shows it.
Also... One thing I forgot about myself but can't let myself forget from this day forward is that daily expression is also a key to being the best version of me. Part of why I felt so shit yesterday was because it was June 16 and the last day I'd really written something that expressed my mind / heart / soul was June 12. That means June 13, June 14, and June 15 had passed without #TRUTHLETTING, and there I was recording videos for YouTube (I've been on a roll uploading 3-4 videos per day this week!) telling people that I do #TRUTHLETTING every single day as my habit and priority.
My shit wasn't together, though. I was letting excuses happen. "Oh, I don't feel like it," I told myself. "I don't have anything to say. My shit won't invigorate or educate anybody; I'm too much of a mess right now."
It's a chicken-and-egg thing when I don't feel 'good' to start: Like if I don't write I won't feel better and if I don't feel semi good, I struggle to get myself to write.
Weird because I used to do my best writing when I was depressed or pissed off. That was when I fictionalized my life and wrote love stories and shit as an escape. I don't want to write fiction anymore. I want to write profound TRUTH that shakes the world.
I'm laughing a bit at myself as I write this. It may sound so absurd to someone who isn't a born artist. To someone who just wants to pay their bills and support their family. Valid. Just so much less than I need to occupy myself and feel my best.
I'm not going to have anything to give to others if I just do whatever I need to do to pay bills without expressing my soul. Without contemplating the meaning of life and business and our souls. I guess that's really what it is.
As a teenager, I remember sitting in my world history teacher's classroom at lunch, writing in my notebook and him telling me I was too jaded for my age. That there was no answer to why we're here on earth (ha! talk about jaded!). And I was so, so, so NEVER going to be satisfied with that.
Of course there is a reason, or multiple reasons -- a reason for each of us!
I deeply believe that for us artist types it's simply to EXPRESS and EXPAND.
When you don't express, expansion is beyond difficult. It just can't happen for those of us like this. I shrink if I don't express. It's the way I get comfortable with uncomfortable. The way I allow myself to push outside of my comfort zone. All through expression. And how beautiful is that?!
So easy for me, too. Like I almost don't know how to tell you to do it if this isn't your nature. "No excuses, just show up and EXPRESS YOURSELF!" I want to shout at you.
No excuses, just show up and EXPRESS YOURSELF!!!!
Do you want to make a lot of money? Do you want to help more people than you could possibly remember the names of? Do you want freedom to do what you love and none of what you don't? Do you want to change the world?!
How do you expect to do it if you aren't expressing and expanding?
Reminder to self: Live by your word. Make #TRUTHLETTING your habit and priority. You did good today, writing this before anything else. Repeat this tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after. To infinity.
Oh, and always trust-
Your truth unlocks a whole big crazy cool life. Share if you dare!
With fervent hopes you'll return the love (truth),