It's Easier To Struggle Than Live With A Vision Others Can't See
I see the big things coming my way. The clients and the dolla-dolla bills. The first-class plane tickets to luxe locales. The finest hotel rooms during my business travels. The king size bed in a two-bedroom apartment.
But today, I had a breakdown.
NOT the breakdowns of my past.
NOT where I ask what I’m doing wrong.
NOT where I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
NOT where I’m wondering what I need to do next to make shit happen.
This breakdown I had?
It was about begging for my boyfriend to have patience. To hold space for what I am TELLING him I have CALLED IN and CONSIDER DONE.
I keep telling him I’m making $11,874 this week.
I’ve made many offers this week, and I may not see the exact “how” of that money coming into my life, but I KNOW it’s coming.
By the way, you should know that my boyfriend is so supportive. When I used to say in moments of defeat, “Maybe I’ll just go get a job,” he’d tell me I didn’t need to do that. He’d say stuff like, “I know how painful that would be for you, you don’t have to.”
Today, our cell phone bill was due. The cash to pay it just hadn’t shown up… EXCEPT I’d found a $50 gift card from Sprint in my purse that I could use toward our bill. And I knew that I knew that I KNEW that this $50 gift card was a reminder that money comes to me easily at all times.
He said, "I know you don't want to, but I suggest..." and listed off his suggestions, which included me going back with my tail between my legs to a gig I quit only when I woke up with total faith that it was time to do so. I understood where he was coming from. And frankly I felt downright guilty and selfish that every single one of my 50 trillion cells screamed, "noooooooo! You can't do that!!!"
I told my boyfriend that I appreciated his suggestions and his own bargaining about how he would help fix the situation. I knew something would work out so our cell service would be working just fine for his shift delivering pizzas. I had FAITH. I had faith about much more than that too, but it was the immediate problem. I took as many different actions as possible toward solving the issue.
Finally, something I told myself wasn't an option and wouldn't work just came together LIKE THAT!
I could have cried. I definitely smiled and whooped a bit and fell back in my seat, a long exhale escaping from my lips.
And I told my boyfriend then, again, that I AM bringing in $11,874 or better this week. I feel it so deeply it's like I can see it. That's when I told him that I carry some shame and judgment over how good of a partner I am. And I told him how I felt like others judge me like they would judge someone foretelling the coming of Jesus.
Begging for others to see your vision feels impossible. It feels like you're a crazy person when you think of how others see you.
When you've let go of the struggle, there is a time period where your reality is catching up. You know you're the rich child of an abundant universe and you know the money has been earmarked for you in the Universe's budget.
That's when you will feel a new kind of crazy. You're a prophet and others can't see what you see.
You feel selfish.
You worry about being wrong and yet something tells you you aren't.
Conviction is required. Conviction may be the most difficult and yet most easy thing ever. When you aren't used to the cost of conviction, it can feel expensive.
But giving up your conviction? That's easy. You could slide right back into struggle and you know the deal there. Struggle and you are old friends. It's easy to say you cut off struggle but to slink back with your head hanging low.
So you have to bear with the "I feel like people think I'm crazy but I KNOW I'm right" tape until you are proven right.
You have to look for evidence, vigilantly, that your vision is true.
That gift card I got today? Evidence that money comes to me easily in expected and unexpected ways.
That way to handle my bill that I thought was closed off to me? Evidence that we don't need to know the how when we take the first step.
The feeling of great relief when I had dealt with that bill? Evidence of my release of the struggle; evidence of the power of my faithfully held vision for my life.
You're worthy of what you want most. You're also capable of the growth required of you to get there. You simply choose to see it as done, hold the conviction that it is, and keep moving forward until and as it manifests.
No one has to understand the vision. You just have to understand that they don't understand and you have to know that pushing on, even when others do not understand and may even judge you, is your task.
It is easier to struggle than to be the woman with vision, but it's the woman with vision who will live an incredible, drool-worthy life complete with Gold Toilet Riches.