Inside My Mindset Work + A BIG Block That's Held Me Back
The thing holding you back is the thing you won't even allow yourself to look at. At least, this has been true for me.
For the longest, I've felt, right there under the surface, a desperate 'knowledge' that I am no good to anybody. That I am even, actually, the source of others' unhappiness.
Last night I sat with the question "What does it mean or say about me if I don't achieve my goal?" (I focused on a specific goal that revealed itself to me and felt slightly big yet still doable.) And the first words that came to me were: "waste of space."
I let it keep bubbling.
I ended up back in the blue pleather booth at IHOP, my crutches laid beside me, my wild hair a curtain protecting my face from the restaurant-goers, as tears streamed down my face and my shoulders jumped with the sobs that shook my whole body.
(I've never been afraid of a public meltdown.)
What had 17-year-old Rosella so broken up?
My younger sister blaming me for her unhappiness. I can't remember the words she actually used as she yelled at me on the drive to IHOP, but I remember the pain I felt. The energetic message was clear: She wanted me dead, or simply just gone. She (and my mother by extension) would be better off without me.
I already felt incredibly lonely and damaged. I felt deeply connected to my soul sister Sylvia Plath, whose autobiographical novel The Bell Jar has been a favorite of depressed and damaged young women who are considered to have no good reason for their deep oceans of negative emotions.
Hearing my sister blame me for her unhappiness totally gutted me.
I love my little sister, as much as we fought throughout our lives. I wanted to protect her and fight for her. I wanted to be her best friend.
And there I sat on a blustery February day in 2009, wondering how I could quietly, painlessly exit her life. After my sister dumped about four tons of shame and blame upon me, she and my mother drove to the nearby grocery store. I sat at the IHOP, where our friend was the manager, and I broke down.
It's the closest I've ever come to suicide. I actually wanted to find a way, though I quickly ruled out painful options and the one that didn't work for Plath. In some ways, I want to say, "It wasn't that serious." But it was. Some part of me died that day.
And I was left with this belief....
The world is better off without me.
It's been right there, RIGHT under the surface, and I wouldn't let myself go there.
Is it any wonder that I've held myself back from having the impact I feel a desire to have upon clients and the world?
My sister was young and didn't know, I don't think, the impact her words and strong negative energy that day could have upon me for a decade after. I do not blame her now for that day, and I don't hold it against her.
I also don't make myself wrong for having been so bruised by that exchange that day.
But I do get to heal it.
I do get to release, on a cellular level, that belief and all the roots and effects of it.
I began that work last night with about two hours of tapping on the belief.
There came a massive shift last night as I tapped on this.
But here's the thing: I still feel it a bit. And so I continue to do the work on it. This morning I tapped some more.
I'll continue to check in on this belief, seeing what pain I feel, how much and where exactly in my body. And I combine the tapping with commands to my subconscious mind to release the belief, all emotions tied to it, all the results of it, so that I go free to have the impact and create positive change in the world.
This is mindset and energy work.
This is releasing blocks.
This is going free to get what the fuck I want.
This is me, accessing my god power to #createsomethingdifferent.
This is the kind of work we do together so you go free to get what you desire in life and business. To apply for a discovery call for my $10,000 4-month 1-on-1 coaching program, just click below.